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  "Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."

  "Qualifications: No education or experience."

  "I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."

  "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

  "Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC."

  "Fired because I fought for lower pay."

  "Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5" .

  " "Please disregard the enclosed resume-it is terribly out of date."

  "Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."

  "Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ’paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately."


  "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

  "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

  "I am a rabid typist."

  "Work History: Performed brain wave tests,1879-1981."

  "After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line&nb sp;of work."

  "Accounting cleric."

  "As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."

  "Suspected to graduate early next year."

  "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

  "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

  "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

  "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

  "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."


  "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."

  "Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation: Short-order cook.)

  "But wait...there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."

  "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

  "My fortune cookie said, ’Your next interview will result in a job’-and I like your company in particular."

  "Title: Another resume from the ’Profiles in Excellence’ se ries."

  "Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr.Fix-it."

  "Trustworthy references available upon request-if I give them a few bucks."

  "Let’s meet so you can ’ooh’ and ’ahh’ over my experience."

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